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8.27.2010

"THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!" said Henny Penny with great alarm.

Henny Penny was a children's book when I was a kid.  The premise was that Henny Penny (who by the way was a chicken) was an alarmist, a worrier, a fatalist who always went around squawking that the sky was falling.  In reality it really wasn't.  I'm her today.  A little bit of gray seeped in on me today, and then the dark clouds rolled in across my horizon and well, pretty soon a full-fledged storm was a brewing in my mind and spirit.  How did I let that happen?  It's like I was sitting on a lily pad with my negative-gray thought and then I just hopped to the next lily pad for the next one.  Before long I was lost in a sea of worry, regret and fear.   I am worrying today about a job that can provide an income I need to live for the first time in 25 years alone.  I worry about a job that will have benefits and provide me the ability to one day retire with some money.  I am worrying about what if that doesn't happen.   I worry that I am alone - not scared but realizing the burden lies on me.  I worry that my parents who are struggling with my divorce will continue to be distant and disengaged.  I worry that if I get sick and can't work what will I do.  I worry that my car will break down.  I worry that my furnace will go out.  Straight from worry I hopped right to regret.  I regret that I didn't financially plan for a divorce (is that possible).  I regret that I wasn't able to evoke change in my marriage or mate or at times, even myself.  I regret choices that I made early in my life that were destructive.   I regret that somehow I couldn't maybe articulate or it wasn't enough to make my mate want me or love me.   I regret the marshmallow that I ate over the campfire at my sister's tonight (although it was good).  I regret I didn't finish college to give myself a better skill set for a job.  I regret that I didn't stand up and say no to living a very difficult life when I was 19.  I regret that at times I had to squelch the true me for the world I was in.  Oh and after I wallowed in worry and regret I let fear completely take over.  What if all that I am doing will make my life even worse than it was before?  I fear I will have to move in with my parents to survive.  I fear the mountain before me is far too big for me to get over.  I fear never having someone to love me enough to think more of me than them.  I fear not being able to be significant in what I do - relationally, career wise and with writing.  I fear my dad will say I told you so.  I fear sometimes that I have changed the way people look at God through me.  I fear that my separated mate will decide to become a stinker in this divorce.  I also fear that his life will not be ok.  I fear the first time I go on a date - with deadly fear.  I fear that I won't let anyone in to love me.  I fear that I really am not as intelligent, gritty and full of charm as I think I am.  I fear that I don't really have that much to offer.  Today my soon to be divorced husband came to sign a paper.  I didn't do well.   He said my hair was beautiful and that he regretted not taking care of me and being consumed with himself (I have heard that a few times throughout the marriage).   The only thing I could do was fight back the tears as they spilled out of my eyes.  The hurt is still there.  I know that this is the right thing to do as I have lived with his regrets for 25 years, but they never ever led to change.   He said he knew it was time to move on and I know that too.  It's just then the gray cloud moved in and well so came worry, regret and then fear.  Tomorrow will be better.  I am parking my mind on what I do know and letting what I can't control, change or do over not dominate me.  And, I am trying to cast away my hurt and let it loose.  Today I lost my groove.  Tomorrow Henny Penny, the sun will be back. 

2 comments:

  1. C'mon Stella, let's get our groove back! We went there....now move on. Grab your big girl panties, cross the bridge into your "new normal" which for you sista....skys' the limit!
    Just wish I could hang on for the ride. Now lift that little finger...shake it a bit...and park your bus in the positive parking lot. (That sounds kinda cheesy but oh well) I have my big ass fan turned on high...now get going!

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  2. I hope the marshmellow at least provided some happy sugary hormones to help you ride out the regret train.

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