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9.30.2010

EVERYTHING WANTS TO BE NOTICED

It's remarkable - this place in my life I'm in.  I am out on a small thin ledge very high up and yet, standing there I am clearer and more acutely aware of everything around me - as if I am feeling it, seeing it, smelling it, noticing it for the very first time, even though many things are not new.  There is this amazing urgency and hunger to not miss a thing around me.  My eyes are wide open.  When I was a kid in the spring and summers I loved the period right after a warm rain.  I would run outside after the rain had ceased - that moment when you could almost taste and smell the earth - when the sun hesitantly resumed its place of authority.  Taking off my shoes I would jump in the small puddles that would pool on the road.  The water was shallow and warm.  There was this awareness of the cleanness of the surroundings having been bathed in rain - it was fresh again and new.  To feel it against my skin and dance in the puddle was freeing.  I thought about that today after not getting the news I wanted with a pay increase and what that meant for me.  I felt swept away by it for awhile and might again in the days to come, but I remembered the puddle after the rain when I was a kid.  How can I get there again?  I know that the rain causes the sun to disappear, yet that same rain was necessary to clean the earth, to restore all things to green again.  How could I see this rain shower over a job as something that God views as necessary, restorative and part of what He was going to use to move me to where I need to be ultimately? How could I allow God to use it to create a puddle of goodness meant to bring fulfillment and fullness down the road?  It just appeared to be water coming down when I had plans for the day - it was ruining my picnic:)  I have absolutely no idea what to do next to be totally honest. What to do for living that provides what I need to live, at times what direction to move in, where to look.  It all seems big and I feel small and am needing an umbrella today.  You would think that this would be becoming more and more familiar territory for me - these rain showers.  When I was a kid and rain forced me back in the house temporarily I would anxiously watch out the big front window hoping to see the clouds break.  I scoured the sky looking for a bit of blue to break through the gray.  I wanted to find the nearest puddle, to feel the rain water on my feet.  I delighted in what the rain brought when it left.  Rain was good.  This can be good in my life.  It's still a bit of a drizzle tonight for me.  Every day I hear God call me deeper into trusting Him.  Here I was again as He called me to the rain. 

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