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10.23.2010

PLAYING OUT PURPOSE

Purpose is an interesting word for me.  Always has been.  But, in the past months it has taken on new heightened intensity for me.  Though as I look over the course of my whole life I have always wanted purpose.  Many times in trying to figure out "purpose" I asked questions out loud to others.  Often though, my questions were inside my mind and spirit as I would grapple with the purpose of certain things, how to live purposefully, how to have such purpose in my life that I operated in that zone of living using all I was and had.  I love that within that word purpose there is this resoluteness, determination and intention.  That was and is me - those words describe me most of my life.  By intent I want to live fully.  I once read a quote that said, "Find out who you are then do it on purpose."  At age 44 I think I am just now beginning to find out who I am and starting to do it on purpose.  Probably there is a multitude of reasons why that is just now happening in my life - getting a divorce, being free for the first time in 25 years to really think about myself and sift through it all, getting a lot of my thoughts out in counseling, being validated and affirmed by a group of people in my life, forgiving myself for wrong decisions in my life and understanding why I made them, going back to who I am really and was designed to be, having my creativity fanned into flame by a small bevy of people in my life, letting things out of my heart that have been trapped inside for almost 30 years.  That quote has taken on new meaning in my life recently.  I have a pressing desire, a propelling quest to fully use the crayons God has given me to express and influence.  I am realizing that takes being free to understand what I have to give and who I am.  And then, with resolute determination, with intention, do those things.  That is where I am headed.  There are many things that I am intent on right now.  I don't necessarily have all the details figured out, laid out painstakingly clear or the avenues to reach them all nailed down.  This I do know and cannot explain, I have an unusual settledness in my spirit that they will happen, that my purpose is coming in so many ways.  So, the things I do know I am doing on purpose.  Meaningful, sparking, invigorating, intentional purpose in living in all areas of my life is my path now.  I don't want less than that.

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