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12.18.2010

CREDITS, COFFEE AND CONFESSIONS

I spent the evening last night with my grown married daughter - my only child.  We went to see the Narnia movie.  Both of us are lovers of C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia books and, having seen the first two movies, I wanted to see this, the third one.  It did not disappoint - great vivid color, cinematography that was stunning at times.  But mostly there were moments that spoke to my heart like the line spoken by Eustace (the cousin of the main characters), "I tried to do it myself, but I couldn't.  I needed Aslan to do it for me."  What a grand confession and how true in my own life also.  The other quote that I loved was when Reepicheep (mouse) said to Eustace (now turned into a dragon), "Extraordinary things only happen to extraordinary people."  I loved that quote - taking a different perspective on the things that happen in our lives that are difficult and looking at them as extraordinary.  I wanted to stand and applaud.  I laughed at times when no one else did and my daughter leaned in close to me and whispered, "Mom, why is no one laughing but you.  That was a funny line."  I whispered back, "Have you ever known me NOT to laugh at something that no one else finds funny!"  We were the last ones to leave the showing watching every credit and listening to all the music.  The cleaning crew was coming in as she and I exited.  We both commented that we needed to hear the message of love and hope that Aslan (God) brings to despair.  I especially needed it.  We went to a coffee shop down the street for a couple more hours just sitting and talking about everything.  I asked how she was really doing.  She admitted she was worked up about some things in her life.  We broke them down; masters class and test questions due Saturday night that she had no clue how to answer, Christmas for the first time with her dad and I not married, her dad's girlfriend.  We talked at length about school and her being a non-concrete thinker, how that plays into her having a degree in communications and why she can't figure out a couple of the questions on this test - they are concrete questions with a definitive right and wrong.  I told her how smart she is (she most definitely is) and how proud I am of her and how much I loved her - every cell of her body!  She laughed and said who says it like that :)   We then talked about her dad and I not being married and what I could do to make it easier on her.  I suggested we just all have Christmas together, I mean we are always going to be her parents and I was perfectly fine with the notion.  She vetoed me immediately and said she was not okay with that idea.  We talked about her dad coming over for Christmas with her Monday night and would he be bringing his girlfriend.  Before I barely had the question out she loudly and with disgust said, "I should hope not.  I did not invite her and hope that he does not bring her."  I asked her why she felt so strongly about this woman, could it possibly just be that it's very strange to see her dad dating someone who isn't her mom for the first time. We analyzed that for a bit, but then she just said, "Mom, I want dad to be happy.  I just don't like her.  I don't like her judgemental spirit and how she referred to gay people as "homos" and how rude and demeaning she was to the waitress at the restaurant.  You know how I feel about both of those things."  I smiled, proud that she got what it is to love people and give value to everyone (I was totally agreeing with her as they are hot buttons for me too).  I guessed finally at who the woman was her dad was dating which relieved the pressure from my daughter of trying not to tell me as she had promised her dad she would not.  We talked about how I don't want to operate with her in that way, and won't.  She is free to tell her dad whatever she wants about my life - I'm good with that.  She wished her dad could be the same:)  After thoroughly discussing her dad's new gal pal and her disappointment with his choice, she declared she was going to talk to him about it.  I openly spoke to her about when that time came in my own life, where there was someone I loved out loud, it mattered to me that she would love him too and that the man I loved would love my daughter - it was vitally important to me.  I bet her over a handshake and $20 that when love came to her mom she would love him too or I couldn't love him fully.  She laughed and shook my hand knowing she would lose the bet as she knows that is ever so near and dear to my heart - her, and creating family, albeit in a new form.  She lovingly and laughingly shared again how beautiful I was and there was no contest between me and her dad's new girlfriend either physically or with heart.  I loved her for saying it - true or not :)  I shared with her my frustration of wanting to get published and soon she began to confess.  She knew I had a blog, but I had chosen not to tell her how to get to it or other details that might lead her to it.  I just didn't know if a daughter needs or wants to hear some of what I write.  Out it tumbled. "Mom, I've been reading your blog," she said a bit sheepishly at first.  I stopped and blinked and looked at her.  "Well, you know how you are a great detective and figured out about dad without me telling you?  I am your daughter and have those same skills.  You mentioned once a title of a post you wrote and I googled it and eventually found it though not written under your real name," she said.  "Kudos to your mad skills kid," I said!  Without missing a beat she smiled and started laughing, "And mom, you are so funny!  I can't stop laughing sometimes at what you write and how you say it.  And, you wrote that you hated my apricot fish!!"  "Yes," I said, "sorry if that hurt your feelings but your fish was horrible!  You laughed though didn't you,"  I said with a grin.  "Yeah," she said, "I think I've gotten better at cooking though!"  I asked her if she thought less of me for what she read.  "No. In fact, I love you more after reading it," she spoke from her heart.  The conversation turned toward me writing and whether what she has read is good because she loves me or it's good on its own.  "Mom, you are going to go somewhere with this.  I really believe it.  I'm not sure how, but you will.  All famous people were at one point just normal people who had a passion and pursued it.  So will you."  I told her again that her comment about thinking what she read was good and believing I can take it somewhere were great things to say, but that I don't want things said that aren't accurate.  I really am looking for honest truth in this arena - a bit of Simon Cowell realism if you will.  "You know me," she said, "I'm like you.  If I don't feel it I cannot say it."  I did know her and I loved her deeply.  As I dropped her off at her house I told her I had a deal for her, "Hannah, if you declare right now I am the funniest in the family (a contest we have been having for years and years without a declared winner) I will one day call you Dr. Hannah when you get your doctorate."   She couldn't stop giggling, "No, I will not declare you the winner just for you calling me Dr. Hannah.  I'm holding out for something bigger!"  She kissed my cheek and both of us laughed as she climbed out of my car - me secure in my knowledge that she really did know I was the funniest and her holding out saying it like always.  It is our love song and dance.

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