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1.27.2011

TIME PASSAGES

I turned around today.  Not literally in a physical sense, but an ethereal sort of way to see where I have traveled from the past year and half.  So many changes in my life that when I paused to take stock of them I shook my head and marveled at how change flew at me like a car on a video game screen.  How had I maneuvered this massive amount of outward and inward change?  What had I determined to do different in these days post-divorce?  How was I living out my desires, my passions, my hunger to live totally different than the first half of my life?  What had I done to face realities post-divorce, live free of baggage, celebrate who I really was, to let go of the past and walk forward, to truly trust God for what I lacked, what my soul longed for and be deliberate in each day?   For the first time in my life I felt like myself, like the Lynn I was inside.  It was a soul settling feeling and completely freeing to make choices based on me and not others or what I thought I needed to do to not rock the boat or put the universe into full orbital spin.  I have always loved myself, who I was and moved through life with a sense of confidence but this was beyond that.  I felt true to who I was without reservations.  It was exhilarating, invigorating and energizing to live this way.  Even in my dark periods post-divorce, I had a sense of coming into who I was and it created passion in my life.  There is part of you when you get a divorce, even one that is needed, that wonders how you will find your way again.  How you will let go of familiar and same and safe even if it was hard and painful to live that way.  I wondered what my life would evolve into over time.  I wanted time to move a bit faster and about the time I quit caring if it moved fast or slow or at all, it moved:)

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