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3.07.2011

I'M NOT FINE UNTIL I'M FINE

I don't know who technically should be credited with originally creating the phrase, "I'm not fine until I'm fine", but I'm going to go ahead and take credit for it.  Not too long ago I was conversing with a dear friend of mine.  We were talking about processing things in our lives - both in coming to terms with things we don't like that seem to be staying in our lives longer than we would chose to have them, and giving yourself permission to fully feel the emotion attached to circumstances for a season.  I said to her, in describing that emotional processing, "I'm not fine until I'm fine."  Thinking about that phrase I smiled at how I (and all of us probably) quantify being ok or being fine.  Usually for myself, unless I am overly deliberate and conscious, being fine or ok is what I think and/or feel when the waters I am in are relatively calm - the hardship level is low - the desires I crave are being met.  In conversation with someone today they mentioned that they knew things were going to be ok in the long term in regards to business.  I listened intently to their statement and then commented, "Well, of course you think that now - business has turned positive and your hope now showed up as a real seeable tangible.  The circumstances have changed.  But, what if business had not improved would you still be fine?  What if hope had not materialized yet?"   I lived many, many years in the "not fine" state.  It always takes a season to get accustomed to it too.  It's sort of like walking indoors from a brilliantly sunny day - everything appears darker till you adjust to the light change.  How do I retain that edge that comes with living in a not fine state even after I am fine?  How do I keep that dependence on God when things are good and fine?  I want to be fine whether I really am fine or not.

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