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4.02.2011

A CARRY-ON BAG

Why cannot I just let it go?  Why can my head want something but my heart is reticent and not as easily able to walk forward and drop my carry-on bag?  Exiting a 25 year marriage is a definite exercise in letting go of many things.  And, letting go I am realizing is a process - you run forward, then stop, take a step backwards, walk ahead stronger, stop, zig zag a bit, take a step back and then somehow slowly your trunk that you have carried starts to be emptied.  I have been emptied, and yet find more to let go of.  It seems I have transferred the last few things from my big lugging trunk into a more manageable and prettier carry-on bag.  None-the-less, it's weighing me down and I need and greatly desire to set it down.  To be, in Lynn fashion and with God's grace, free spirited in grace and forgiveness.  I thought about David from the Bible.  He eventually becomes King of Israel and is called "a man after God's own heart", but before those things materialize, he is the one that kills the giant Philistine, Goliath, who is taunting and tormenting the army of Israel.  A teenage boy of maybe 16-18, David declares he will fight Goliath with only the power of God, a slingshot and a five stones.  No, says King Saul, David must have more protection than that.  He brings David into his quarters and fits him with his own armor that weighed probably somewhere between 60-80 pounds.  All of sudden David is weighed down unnecessarily - making it hard to move freely and allow God's power to be fully displayed.  He removes the armour and tells King Saul he will rely on the power of God.  And, David does and God shows up powerfully.   That's me.  I am weighed down with my emotional and spiritual carry-on bag.  While out running earlier today my mind parked on what I was wearing - thin cotton running pants, a thin cotton black zip up hooded sweatshirt, and a lightweight pair of running shoes with no socks.  I was not bound at all by too many layers, socks and heavy cloddy shoes.  It was much easier to navigate the miles without the bondage of excess.  Paul talks about it too in Galatians 5:1... "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  I think somehow God knows our bent to get weighed down, shackled, with not being able to fully give grace, forgive and stay focused on those things, instead of what someone else is or isn't doing to cause hurt in our lives.  I found myself thinking that yes, it might be a normal response to feel the way I do - but that staying in that place of wanting to be justified just takes up too much space.  It's bulging the seams of my carry-on bag and I am starting to not be able to zip it shut.  I pleaded with God to empty again my carry-on and give me grace towards those I need to let it flow through me to.  Even, if they are unaware of what their responses have done to me.   I need to drop the bag as I do not want to be a slave again to it.  Bondage, excessive belongings - nic knacks, are not what I want for my heart, mind and spirit.  God's grace needs to be my only garment more than able to create the unencumbered free-spirited heart I want. 

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