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4.25.2011

LETTING GO TO ACCEPT

In all things Lynn related I have noticed a pattern.  I don't think it's really unique to me, but universal - a principle noted in step 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program - "Let Go and Let God" (a synopsis of step 3).   In tracking stats on number of readers of this blog, I find that there are more visits to December 24th, 2010 than any other post written.  Every week people continue to read that post.   I re-read it recently for many reasons; to figure out why people are drawn to those words and critique my writing (I think it's similar to an actor not liking to watch the movie they just made - uncomfortable and somewhat painful!)  It was obvious during that Christmas weekend, the first Christmas post-divorce, I was struggling through accepting my place in life - wanting more but not experiencing it presently and questioning if I ever would.  I was holding on to what I craved and wanted and needed emotionally, job wise, relationally, spiritually, family-wise.  It was that weekend that I finally unclenched my last finger from my fist of desires for my life, laying wide open that things may or not ever change in any or all of the areas that I needed them to.  As much as is humanly possible, I accepted my place presently and changed my focus allowing God to move if He chose to or and even if He chose not to.  It was two days later that I met Doug (husband), going on a date for the first time in 25 years.  I kept my hand open and accepted what was in front of me - willing myself to let loose of what I thought the answer to my needs, wants and desires was.  My grief earlier in December (see post from December 9th, 2010 "She Weeps") was a process of letting go to accept someone else's decision which greatly affected me.  On December 26th, 2010 I once again let go of how and if any or all things in my life would blossom.  As long as I kept holding on to what I wanted, in the way in which I wanted it, only frustration and pain ensued.  But, when I could sincerely and freely let it go to accept whatever was in front of me or would come, God moved.  I saw myself in a tree, having climbed it with ease before realizing I would have to descend it eventually.  I could not get down, and in order to be rescued I had to trust those below who were urging me to jump into their arms.  They would catch me they reassure me.  I free fall the day after Christmas.  I free fall 2 days later on December 28th as I drive to meet a man for a date for the first time in 25 years.  I free fall in the days to come as I let go of what I thought that love would be like to find a love that was present and real and life changing.  When I let go and accepted the fact that my parents struggled deeply with me being divorced - changing the face of our relationship, and fully accepted the new state of our relationship even if it never went back to earlier years and better times, God moved.  Why does it always take me so long to unclench my fist?  I am somewhat like the children of Israel - forgetting the good things God has done over my lifetime.  Knowing that I can let go and trust fully without disappointment.  I can free fall into His arms from high up in the tree of my own desires or how I think I will achieve them.  He will catch me and fulfill far beyond my heart's desire if I just let go.  Easier said than done when you are 30 feet up a tree.

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