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9.16.2011

CORRUPTED DISK SPACE

Have you ever run disk defrag on your computer?  It's a utility program that defragments (what does that even mean!).  I checked in HELP on my computer about disk defragmentation and it says this:
  
Fragmentation makes your hard disk do extra work that can slow down your computer.  Disk Defragmenter rearranges fragmented data so your disks and drives can work more efficiently

I wish I had that program in my brain:)  Today, like other moments in other days, I was talking to someone at work.  Whatever I was saying I knew like the back of my hand.  In mid sentence the screen in my head went completely blank.  I had no idea what I was trying to say.  I couldn't find the word on the Google in my brain.  There was also no way to hide it.  Mid sentence, mid thought I paused.  A rather large pause, and finally said, "Well, I have no idea where that information went in my head.  It is completely gone!".  The person, who happened to be about 20 years older than me, laughed and said, "That happens more and more as you age!  It's a daily occurrence for me."   Deep down inside I knew she was right - that age brought on subtle mind changes.  Or should I say, fragmentations of thoughts!   In fact, what prompted this post was me sitting down to compose one based on a thought, an idea that I had earlier today.  As I pulled up the editing program to pen the thought from my head to the page, there was nothing.  This grand train of thought that I had earlier today was gone.  Not a trace of it in my recall.  I wondered, asking my husband next to me his thoughts, "What happens to all those things we were going to say and can't remember?  Where do they go in our brains?".   Somehow I picture my brain somewhat like a hard drive in a computer.  Most of the time it whizzes without any thought - very involuntary.  I don't have to purposefully think through each word I say (ok, maybe sometimes but that is not for functioning reasons, but how to say it well).   If my skin is aging - changing, collagen flaying as I type, then why not my brain too.  Both my maternal grandmother and maternal great-grandfather had Alzheimer's.  I saw first hand what happens with a disease that steals your mind, your memory, your ability to think, communicate, to know.  My grandmother developed a key obsession as her disease progressed.  She was always worrying about locks and keys.  My great grandfather had a fixation with making electricity with tons of extension cords.  Both eventually lost their recall totally, and if they didn't, they at least couldn't communicate it.  I used to teach adult classes while in the pastorate.  It happened a time or two while teaching a class.  I would have a thought, a progression and it would be gone - poof (that happens when you speak with only a 3x5 card of words)!   It's one thing to have that happen in one-on-one conversation.  It is a totally different thing to be in front of a crowd when your thoughts disappear.  I always found honesty best.  Confession of my mind's blank screen to the crowd would usually bring some laughter.  How can you be that inspired and it be lost in mid stream? :)   Sometimes it is just a simple word that escapes me like; disassemble, navigate, instigate, heirloom, or what is that other word - I can't remember!  My disk needs to be defragmented.  Or like the dirt on my garage floor, it needs to be swept into a pile and then brushed together onto a dust pan.  All my lost thoughts, forgetting words, mid stream losses need to be compressed together.  Don't you hate when you lose something and someone says, "Where did you put it?".  That's how I feel with my missing words and thoughts!

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