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10.23.2011

THE ZONE

I have a picture of my daughter and my two nieces when they were stair stepped in ages... Jessica my oldest niece - 4, Hannah my daughter - 3, and Joslynn my next in line niece - 2.  They are sitting on the stairs at my sister Diane's house.  I don't recall the event (that's going back 21 years!), but it must have been a Sunday during winter time based on what they were all wearing.  I love this picture because even at those young ages you can clearly see all three of their distinctive personalities.  Jessica, the eldest of the three, is smiling and singing at the same time.  Her mouth is wide open and her head back in pure moment enjoyment with music.  She went on to be a worship leader and loves life like no other person I have ever met.  My daughter Hannah, dressed in her green dress, white dress socks and shiny black shoes is smiling and laughing at Jessica's song.  She is not sitting "lady like" at 3 years, her white panties clearly seen.  She went on to love laughing and talking and getting into trouble in school for it at times (her entire Kindergarten year).  She loves her close friends fiercely.  She has always expressed herself through what she wears in a very creative way though her panties no longer show!  And lastly, Joslynn my next in line niece, hugging her blanket tightly with messy thin hair looks like she is floppy and mushy from giggling.  She is now, as an adult married person, still floppy (definition is loose posture, could lay down at any given moment, somewhat mushy in body language) and loves to hug.  I wondered about being who we really are.  If who we are is clearly seen by others even at an early age, why do we struggle at times to walk in it, to operate fully in the who-we-are zone.  Why does it usually or at the very least, sometimes, take us awhile to come into our stride?  I'm 45 years old.  I look back at my choices knowing my personality and desires much clearer at 45 than I did at 18 or 20 and wonder why I didn't pursue things I loved either relationally or vocationally?  Why I didn't, with confidence, follow things that my heart wanted?  Then I thought about if I have held others back from them being who they were fully designed to be.  That's tough isn't it.  Do I put expectations on others that are more about who I am and less about who they really are, even if unintentionally?   I run.  Some days running there is a zone you get in.  Your legs work smooth, your breathing is patterned, your body feels sort of effortless.  Other days, things hurt, your legs feel like boat anchors and you just can't find the run zone.  The zone is so much more fun and rewarding.  I am 45.  There is no one stopping me from certain things I want in life, but me.  I can't say that my parents are blocking my choice for a career like when I was young or that a bad marriage is holding me back.  I don't have kids at home.  Sometimes I still struggle with what I think other people will think of the things I really want to say in life.  Partly I think that is why I keep writing this blog, to distract myself from ultimately writing the book I want.  I have been sorting out this past year and half what my heart is saying, what I am passionate about, what I have experienced or lacked that is not necessarily unique to just me but many others as well.   I have witnessed divorce in the church and have not come out unscathed.  I think there are many others out there like me.  I do have a story to tell.  It's not always an easy one, a clean one.  My story makes many uncomfortable but it shows that as the church we are missing the mark with those that go through divorce inside the church.  My story is about getting to Graceland. 

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