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1.28.2012

365 DAYS OF LOVE

Today is my one year anniversary of marriage.  Not really that remarkable you might be thinking.  Enter my head and heart for a few hundred words.  You might change your mind. My husband arranged a beautiful weekend at the same bed and breakfast we stayed at on our wedding night. [As I opened the door to our room there were petals on the bed, chocolate covered strawberries on a plate and a bottle of champagne.  I quickly remembered my first marriage.  My husband had never done anything to visually articulate his love feelings.  He had never surprised me, made reservations, or bought me anything that brought a tear to my eye.]   I felt like this was still someone else's life.  That Doug would find out I was just a tomboyish, simple girl and grow tired of my never slowing mind and love of words.  Yet a year later, he was the exact same in his passion, his intensity to never get enough of my mind, my laughter, my words, or my body.  Nothing waned [I whirled in my thoughts.  I lived without passion in marriage for 25 years.  I lived without words of affirmation, without a soul connection, without that person knowing my love languages.  I lived without the power of love.]  Before we headed to dinner, we exchanged cards.  Doug's card to me was beautiful.  It was simple and unadulterated.  Inside he had made his own bullet points using his favorite red pen.  He listed all the things he loved about me.  The list filled the entire card.  He broke down the words I Love You into chunks, pieces, reasons, morsels.  [I marveled at his words.  His thoughts penned for me.   At the things he loved about me.  At how he not only let me be me, but actually loved me being me.]  I dressed in a bustier, a straight legged pair of jeans, black heels and a long black trendy little mid thigh coat.  [I watched his face as I turned around in the outfit he had gotten me for Christmas to see delight, love, and wonder washing across him.   I was still caught off guard by his attention to my physicalness.  I went without that in my first marriage.  Doug just loved me.  All of me.  Every bit of who I was.  Every square inch of my looks.]  He took me in his arms and swooned over my beauty, taking pictures and posting them on his Facebook page wall.  [How did he always make me feel like I was more beautiful than I really actually was?  How could he say it over and over and I never get weary of it or feel like he was merely just giving the words lip service?]  He pulled a small box from his laptop bag.  There it was.  Another thing he had consciously and deliberately done to show the amount of time he thinks about me.  Inside was a modern heart necklace with a small diamond on it.  [There were never any gifts in my first marriage.  Probably because there were no thoughts.   I felt Doug's heart and thoughts every minute of the day.  I felt it as he hooked that necklace around my neck.]  I was humbled again by his generosity.  By his desire to never stop wanting to show how he felt.  We went to dinner at Tello's, a great Italian restaurant where we had also dined on our wedding night.  We sat at the same table, on the same side of it as close to each other as possible.  We reminisced about how we met, why we met, how the other had changed our lives.  I told him that he had done far more for me than I had for him.  [I wondered if he fully knew what I had lived for 25 years?  What I had gone without emotionally, made due with, pretended I didn't need?  Did he know the grief I experienced in the weeks leading up to meeting him?  Did he fully know how my heart was raw, my prayers imploring God for love?  Did he really know the depths of that?  Did he know that he was God's answer to my prayer?  Did he know in high def that God gave me more than I deserved or asked for?]   He told me I made him a better man.  That feeling my love daily made all the difference in his mind, spirit, his work, his emotions.  That my love made him fully alive.   [I realized this magic connection was more than love.  It was something that God had given each of us.  It was a very real picture of God's great love for me.]  The waitress told us she could see our connectivity, our love, and that it moved her.  [I smiled as she spoke the words.  I knew what it was to have been moved to a different place in my life by this love, by this man.  I knew what it was to feel the effects of that soul passionate love in every day life for the past year.   I had known what it was like to live without it too.]  We toasted our glasses to this night, to this year, to that day we both signed onto Eharmony.  We toasted to both of us being able to operate for the first time in our lives as purely ourselves.  To being able to be loved in our love languages and love the other in theirs.   [I did not know till now that receiving love in our love language(s) brings love to a level unknown without it.  How is it that I am 45 years old and just now fully living?  It is as though I was a troll under a bridge.]  When I got glasses as a freshman in high school I remember walking in the grocery store for the first time wearing them.  The packaging on the shelves was vivid, sharp.  The lines were crisp and remarkably clear.  Everything took on a hue that was brighter than I had ever seen.  That is my life with Doug.  Everything is more vivid with him.  All areas of my life are brighter, more brilliant because of his presence - because of Doug's love for me.  [God, thank you for being with me under the bridge all those years.  Thank you for hearing my heart's cry.   For bringing Doug to me to satisfy my hunger for a deep life of passion unleashed.]  Imagine not having full lung capacity for most of your life.   Or not having the gift of sight or hearing most of your life.  Now, imagine that after not having those things you were given them.  That is me.

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