I tried recently to take two different IQ tests.  After getting to the conclusion of the first test, I hit the submit button.  In that nano of a second that it takes computers and satellites, I waited with anticipation for a definitive number marker to summarize and categorize my intelligence level.  The next screen popped up which read, "Cost is $6.00 for a complete IQ test result score".  What in the hell!   I had just spent a considerable time and some bruised math skills to find out if I was below average, average, or gifted.  Did I feel $6.00 was too high to pay for that result?  Yes!  Being the bargain hunter that I am, I decided to look for a free version of an IQ test.  Googling FREE IQ TESTS, I found a free version of the test.  This one, it seemed, was much easier and quicker to complete than the first one.  Instead of math equations, there were more geometry and "which one of these things don't belong here" questions.  I was feeling as though this particular IQ test was made for those of lower intelligence just by the level of questions.  I didn't feel overly stretched.  I didn't have to search and struggle or guess on the answers.  That left me worried.  Either I was brilliant, or I had a huge false sense of how smart I really was.  After answering the last question, I clicked submit.  It said there was an error on the page, not a wrong answer, but a computer error in submitting.  I tried 4 more times to submit the test but was never able to get it to load.  Another IQ test score blocked.  I am starting to get a complex.  Is the cosmos telling me to leave this uncharted territory alone?  To not be defined by a number, a chart, a segmentation?  Sometimes I wish I was "technically" smarter.  There are moments where I wish I knew more solid sort of stuff.  Things that are measurable and concrete and determinable.  Instead, God gave me a larger measure of feeling intelligence.  I hate it sometimes.  It can be a bit overwhelming from time to time to feel in high definition!  Not only do I experience and feel things deeply, but I can feel others much of the time.  Their very worded thoughts.  Their distance.  Their unease.  Their inward conflict.  Sometimes even to the point where it is fairly intense.  I love the movie, "The Green Mile".  In that movie, the character of John Coffey has a gift-sometimes a curse- to feel and experience emotionally, mentally and even physically what he touches.  It is a heavy burden for him.  I love the fact that I can closely identify with people.  That people, including strangers, feel compelled to tell me their lives - to approach, let down, and be free to just be purely themselves.  I feel blessed.  But sometimes, it is exhausting to feel what others feel close to me.  To feel it so intensely until they are able to let it go, move on, let it run its course.  It is a helpless feeling at times.  It is heavy at other times.  I have asked God through the years why He gave this to me.  At times I can honestly say I have asked Him to take it away. Then I realize the richness of moments I would miss if I didn't have that gift.  It would be like watching TV on an old black and white instead of a 52" LCD flat screen in high definition surround sound.  There is a deep river of connection emotionally that runs through me.  I have a huge screened mind and heart.  It is most assuredly why I need times of intimacy with God in nature.  It is how I get recharged, re-balance from the heaviness of it at times.  The other day I prefaced something I was telling my husband (always feeling a bit like people may find me odd), "I am not Sylvia Brown, psychic to the stars, but..."  I don't read palms or own tarrot cards:)  But, I do have a very cool magnifying glass.

1 comment:

  1. am I to process this knowing we share a jr high mentality sense of humor. I guess everyone needs to come down from the lofty heights of intellectual peaks from time to time.