It's the first day of a new year. I often wonder if this day is magically supposed to feel different than the last day of the last year. Seldom do they. When I was a kid, scared permanently from my borderline fundamentalist religious upbringing, I usually thought Jesus would return as the clock struck 12:01 a.m. on January 1st. In those hours leading up to it, while eating sandwiches made by my grandma with the crusts cut off, I would sincerely repent of things that I knew probably would keep me from heaven. You know 10 year old stuff; sassing my parents, fighting with my sisters and then throwing the blame on them so that they would get in trouble with my mom, saying I brushed my teeth when my mom asked when I really had only put the toothbrush under the faucet to feign a real brushing, standing up inside constantly in defiance when being told to do most anything by my parents, socking my middle sister in the boobs just to hear her scream. Mostly repenting of the big things in life. When Y2K rolled onto the horizon all the world got a bit crazy. There were religious zealots out there declaring the end of time to come. That Jesus was coming back (ok, great here we go again with the Jesus coming back on New Year's Day again). There were non-religious zealots out there who believed that technologically the glitch in the world clock would cause all systems to shut down creating a sort of universal mayhem which would lead to no food or water or electricity or the transacting of the financial world. A screeching halt would occur that would render civilization as we knew it useless. I had $800 in cash hidden in a shoe, 10 gallons of water, 2-10 gallon containers of gasoline in the garage, some various canned foods that would have only kept me alive for a few weeks. I though had no way to keep warm if the electricity went out, no ability to get running water, or access my money in the bank if all systems shut down. We all counted down with Dick Clark (previous to his stroke) to 1. Nothing. It was a moment, a day like every other day. I came away from that New Year's Eve with $800, 2-10 gallon containers of gasoline, 10 gallons of water, and some canned goods. It was a great day! There were years when I was young that I would propound some great goal to achieve in the year to come. Some great discipline I would obtain in the months to come. I don't do that any more. I don't think I need a magic day to start something new. To change something in myself. To unleash passion. March 11th works just as well as January 1st. What I do though like about January 1st is that I usually do my own Lynn's Year In Review similar to TIME magazine. I think about how fast time has gone, what all I did the past year, how blessed I am, did I move my checker on the checker board closer to the passions in my life, did I love others including those closest to me the best I knew how, what each season brought to me in terms of projects-relationships-firsts-reactions-progress forward-inward healing. I had a great year in 2011. The heartache of 2010 fell away to some degree and love entered my world for the first time in my life. I had firsts in every season and holiday with a man that I deeply loved. I moved forward further with writing. I laughed alot. I treasured my family and my new family. I celebrated the handful of friends who have enriched my life and stood with me in mountains of change. I am a Leo, astrologically speaking. I found my roar in 2011.

No comments:

Post a Comment