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2.21.2012

THE POINT OF GREATEST SATURATION

We are all prone to overuse the same relatively small herd of words in our speech, mind and in what we write.  I am definitely extremely guilty of that.  In writing and editing I have words that I overuse.  In editing yesterday's blog post I originally used the word really 4 times in three sentences that were connected.  How small is my vocabulary!!  What a rut I get in!  We do it in speech as well.  Friends tell me I say, "who does that" a lot.  My husband says, "go oooonnnnn" as his catch phrase.  It is usually after I tell him how sexy he is!  You know how certain songs become ear worms.  They weave their lyrics and beat into our heads and we just cannot shake them for periods of time.   I have had one of those in my head recently too - Maroon 5's Better That We Break.  I tend to do the same with music that I do with words - wear out a song, an album, an artist.  I get on music jags.  Words do that to me as well.  For instance, for the past 3 days I cannot get the word imbibe out of my head.  I can't trace how it entered my conscious brain to begin with.  Did I hear it on TV, read it in an article, pull it out of thin air?  It just won't leave.  Maybe it just needs me to use it in this blog post.  To free it from my mind to this screen in order to set it loose.  Forget the word imbibe, what would have occurred in the past days that would make me think about what that word conjures up.  Imbibe means; to absorb, to drink in, to receive or take in, to retain.  It can be a literal visual thing - like soaking in water if you were a sponge.  It is internal as well, such as absorbing information or a person or a choice and retaining it.  THAT WAS IT!   Bingo!!!  That was why that word has been stuck in my psyche for the past days.  I have been imbibing - absorbing things from my past in a new way.  They are not at all things that are pleasant to think about.  But, this absorption or receiving of them in a new light has been cathartic.  It is a very necessary part of acknowledging their effects on me, understanding better why I made certain choices and letting go of anger at myself for allowing those things and choices in my life.  It was things that I had not really thought about for many years.  And most definitely, I had not thought about them in the open light. Who wants to think about things that are painful.  I know I had not wanted to.  My husband said to me yesterday that those things made me who I am now - who he desperately loves.  I sarcastically told him I wish I would have chosen to be made through different events instead of those.  He asked me if I loved who I was.  I most definitely love who I am now I told him.  I did not remotely get intelligence or courage to act on being who I was until I was in my forties.  He told me I needed to forgive myself for that.  He was right.  He looked me in the eyes, mine spilling with tears, and said those things that I have hated and regretted are what created this person he loves.  I have imbibed alot lately.  I have realized that my strength has not really been strength but great weakness clothed in fear and control.  I have soaked up why I allowed certain things or put up with them in my first marriage.  I gave acknowledgement for the first time out loud to any living person of events that took place and how I felt when I experienced them.  Doug listened.  He let me process it out loud all the while imbibing me with his love.  My eyes actually hurt from crying off and on for a few days.  I looked like hell but actually felt less saturated with those events than ever before in my life.  The layer of my epidermis scoured clean had left a bit of rawness in its wake, but new skin could now grow.  I needed to be wrung out of what had been soaked way down deep in me. 

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