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2.24.2012

SOUND AND SIGHT DISTORTION

I wish many times we could see ourselves through the eyes of other people.  Fairly confident I am that I don't fully see what others see.  Makes sense doesn't it?  Think about it.  We see ourselves from the inside out.  To ourselves we attach all the things we feel about ourselves, what we love or hate about our looks, how we look compared to others, whether we are where we want to be in any particular area of lives, etc.  Others don't have all that garbage attached to viewing us.  They see a bit of our heart to some degree which manifests itself through our behaviors.  And, they see our physicality, how we look.  I think seeing anything through someone else's eyes would be a great thing to be able to do.  I'm not taking about empathy, though that is a good thing that can give us perspective on feeling other's situations.  When I was a kid there were no CD's or IPods.  ITunes wasn't even a blip on the technology screen yet.  There were 8-tracks, records and eventually cassette tapes.  I had a small tape recorder growing up.  Why, I don't know?  It was the latest technology I suppose.  I also had a microphone that plugged into it so you could record something.  I recorded my own voice a lot.  And, I hated the sound of it.  There are reasons why most of us hate the sound of our own voice when hearing it played back.  Part of that reason is physical - the design of bones, their conduction of sound, the trigger of nerves to orchestrate action of the inner parts of our ears.  We hear ourselves when speaking through bones, nerves, etc and then hear it back through ears that are on the side of our head.  When other people hear our voice or we hear it played back to us, it is being heard from the outside in.  The other part of why we usually hate the sound of our voice played back is that it is not what we hear inside our heads.  We get accustomed to what we "think" our voice sounds like to us.  But really, what we hear as we speak is not totally accurate.  So, when we do hear a recording we don't like it because it doesn't match what we normally hear from ourselves as we talk.  The reasons we hate the playback of our voices is both physical and very psychological.  As a kid I experienced that phenomena of recording your voice and being caught off guard by what it sounds like.  I know of really no one who likes to hear their voice when played back.  I still experience a very strong aversion to my voice.  Occasionally I have spoken to groups of people and it was recorded both visually and audibly.  The pain and agony I go through when I have watched and listened to myself is amazing.  I have an I Phone 4.  It has great camera and audio recording capacities.  I text my husband a GREAT deal through day.  What can I say, I am deeply in love with him and I love words:)  Deadly combination for him!  Sometimes, in an effort to connect to him in a new way throughout the day, I will make a video recording speaking my words instead of texting.  It usually takes me 4-5 attempts before I can send one.  I get disgusted with my very crooked mouth (my sisters exacerbated a cut above my lip as a kid creating a very slanting mouth!) in speaking and/or smiling.  On top of that visual of my side/crooked mouth, is the sound - the tone of my voice.  I tried making a short video clip for Doug a couple of days ago but ended up deleting it as I couldn't get past both of those issues in myself.  Yesterday I mentioned to him that I had made a clip, but didn't send it as I hate the way I look when I talk and the how my voice sounds.  He was sad as he informed me he loves those clips.  I told him my voice sounds like I am stupid, lacking intelligence and that I slur my words!  I asked him if that is really what people see and hear when they experience Nancy?  "NO!" he said strongly.  I am very mono-visioned and overly harsh in my views on myself - in how I look and the sound of my voice.  I do the same thing when I go back and read things I have written.   Part of it is just human nature - our inability to not see ourselves fully or correctly.  The other part of it is my relentless quest to want more, to be better - crooked mouth, with the sound of my own voice and in what I write. 

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