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5.24.2012

THE ART OF MELONS

Some of you may have ended up on this blog post by googling the word "melons".  You probably weren't envisioning the ones that are grown from a seed in the ground.  Possibly you were looking for breasts using synonyms.  You would be correct in calling breasts melons.  If you cut one in half and super-glued it to a woman's chest, the shape would be the same as the end result of a boob job.  You can spot them a mile away, artificially enhanced breasts that is.  It looks like half of a cantaloupe with skin stretched over it.  So, I suppose I did mention melons in reference to slang for a woman's breasts. 

In the purest sense of the word melon though I am talking about botanical fruits or a few varieties which are dubbed culinary vegetables.  Which type of melon falls into which category I don't exactly know.  What matters is that I love the melon family.  The entire family.  Melons do have a few interchangeable names like; cantaloupe or muskmelon.  You might prefer honeydew, sugar melon or the North American Cantaloupe. 

Hopefully you are better at picking out a ripe one than I am.  I think there is an art to it.  Someone who is a wine expert is called a  sommelier.  They can tell with smell and their palate the quality and pieces that make up a particular wine.  Unfortunately there is not a real name for a melon caveat out there.  If there were, they would be one who is able to pick out the perfect ripest melon by sight, feel and smell.

My middle sister, Diane, says that if you take your thumb and middle finger and flick a melon it should make a certain sound if it is ripe.   She also says it has a smell at the base of it which is another indicator of whether it is ready. What the hell sound or smell that is I don't quite know.

I have been seen in the produce aisle feigning my melon caveatness by thumping endless melons and smelling their butt end.  After touching most of them on display, failing to find a significant difference between sound and smell, I resort to my method - luck!

My Grandpa Weldy was a good melon picker-outer.  Maybe it came from being a farmer all his life or possibly growing them in the garden for years.  Probably it just came from age - wisdom garnered from a lifetime of knowledge and experience.

I really would like to put up a YouTube video, a spoof as it were, of my sister Diane.  I would call her Diane, melon caveat extraordinaire.  We would make it a bit snobbish like the wine crowd can be.  She would be filmed thumping melons and smelling the butt end of different varieties of melons. A melon how to instructional humorous video. 

All joking aside, I need a How To Pick A Ripe Melon-101 course.  I'm not good in Las Vegas and it shows in my melon picking abilities!

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