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6.13.2012

THE DAY I DID NOT LIKE


I did not like this day.  There was not a lot I liked about it. 

If I were a baseball player my hitting would have been off.  If I were an Olympic skater I would not have done a triple sow cow or whatever the hell they call it in executional excellence.  If I were an Indy race driver I would have no doubt hit the curve too fast and ended the race early by crashing. 

I did not like how I felt inside today;  doubtful, unsure, miffed, distant, not listened to, a bit peopled out, a little less loved than my normal helping, my tank not topped off. 

I did not like the flow of the day which started after going to bed different than any other night I can remember since this new life of mine began. 

I did not like how I laid in bed this morning wanting something that always begins my day by filling me up to occur.  It didn't.  I did not like how that added to my already distant feelings inside.

I did not like the lack of emotional connection that seemed to be looming largely this morning. 

I did not like that my forehead appeared to be increasing or my hair decreasing - one or the other.

I did not like that though I chose to give up running on a cool morning, instead wanting deeply to connect to my Love, the usual connection wasn't as bright.

I did not like papers today at work.  They never seemed to go down.

I did not like that my cracked heel of my left foot could be seen by the whole world when I wore my black sling back shoes.  It reminded me how awful I am at caring for my heels!

I did not like that in our tiny remodelled bathroom I knocked Doug's ceramic coffee cup off our very small sink causing coffee to fly everywhere; walls, floor, sink cabinet, the door, the bathroom scale. 

I did not like that the coffee hit the sand finish wall paint which is not wipeable to a great degree.

I did not like that of all days I had to hit it while cleaning the sink and running behind schedule.

I did not like that open cup of coffee was in such a precarious place and that I was like a bull in a china closet near it.

I did not like that after I swore a handful of words, I got angry over an "accident".  I had turned into my parents who used to get angry when we spilled something at the table.

I did not like that I started the day off in a spirit of shittiness which topped off feeling disconnected and then culminated itself by being weepy when I got to work. 

I did not like how my mood started the day for the man I love so richly.

I did not like that when I tried to apologize to my husband he made texting "spilled coffee" jokes.  I was being serious.  Though his jokes were cute. 

I did not like that I felt not listened to.

I did not like that I missed someone today more than I felt missed by them.

I did not like that after rushing off from a friend to be with my husband, after telling him I would be home at a certain time, he was not here when I rushed home to be with him.

I did not like that he didn't mention a word of this horrific day but just endured my quiet, withdrawn aloofness.

I did not like that he did not scoop me in his arms, even if it might have caused me to flare my anger up momentarily.

I did not like that this day was like a fire fueled by oxygen on a windy day.

I did not like feeling out of step, out of sorts, and out of connection.

I did not like it Sam I Am!

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