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6.01.2012

POSTED: KEEP OUT!

"IF WE CAN'T KILL IT, WE'LL EAT IT!"   That's what the car in front of me said.  It was painted on the back end of a PT Cruiser for a company called Ardvark Pest Control.   Ingenious, perplexing, double-meaninged and bold.

Now obviously the two-fold meaning is, 1) if they can't exterminate your pest problem, they will eat the loss - not charge you, and 2) maybe more tongue in cheek than as a literal consuming with their palates sort of meaning, they imply they are so good at ridding your dwelling of pesky intruders that, you can rest assured IF they fail, they will eat a pest, a rodent.  It's no doubt meant to give you a sense of assuredness at their proficiency and skill.  Literally they have something on the line whether it be bearing the loss of the revenue from a job or eating a pest.  Both of those looming possibilities would motivate me to perform to the very best of my abilities with no margin of error.

I wondered sitting behind that vehicle, how many times if any, had they been unable to kill and or corral a pest.  Some are just easier to eradicate or catch than others.  I want warranties, guarantees on everything, but some things can be a bit unlasso-able.

Where were they when I waged war against moles a few years back?  My neighbors and friends across the street also waged it.  Dave was maniacal with his all out assault on the moles that ravaged his yard and mine.  He was a much better tracker than I!

Where was Ardvark Pest Control and their guarantee of total annihilation when I had an infestation of thousands of lady bugs and box elder bugs?  I wish I had seen that catchy slogan when I was faced with cockroaches, a snake, squirrels, a chipmunk and a tarantula taking up residence inside my residence.

I have resorted to insane pest control behaviors.  One of which was a rubber pellet gun which I would shoot at the chipmunks and squirrels who wanted to nest in the soffits of my house and enter the attic.  I could be seen quietly, in a native American sort of way, creeping out the door with gun in hand trying to get in a good shot.  If it would have been an actual war, my enemy would have escaped with their life and lived to brag about it!

Don't get me wrong, I want anyone to stand behind their work, their product, or their service.  I am just suggesting that, when dealing with something living and breathing, wild and indigenous to the earth, total eradication might not always be possible.  No more than it can be expected that weather forecasters get it right regularly, some of the time or even possibly most of the time. 

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