Straight from bed....
Messy hair and forehead
big enough to write an SOS
message on!
Today is my 46th birthday.  Yes, thank you for wishing me birthday greetings as you read this.  How the hell I got to be 46 I can't for the life of me figure out.  Really I'm not sure how you are supposed to feel at 46, or how you are supposed to think.  I still think pretty much like I did when I was 25 - ok with minor revisions. 

My friend came over last night to "celebrate Nancy" as she succinctly put it.  We had dinner, laughed, drank some wine, talked serious stuff and then discussed the chicken skin I am getting on my body.  I pulled some skin off my arm and it stayed in that position in that chickenie drapie wrinkly way.  We both laughed and said there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it.

After she left, my husband and I went for a walk in the dark.  Holding hands and talking he began to describe what he felt every time he was with me, or looked at me. 

Just earlier in the day, when he popped home for lunch, we were sitting on the back patio and he was gazing at me, "Babe, you are beautiful."  I laughed at him because I was still actually in my sweaty running clothes without a shower and hair that was in a messy, greasy, sweaty ponytail.  He claimed that no matter what, he saw beauty.  Love and cataracts make all things beautiful I tell him.

With Doug in DC 4/2012
I can start to hear a bit of emotion welling up in his voice....  "Nancy, I wish I would have met you 25 years ago.  The life we could have had.  The fun and adventure we would have shared.  The places I lived in my life that you would have loved, the jobs I held that you would have cheered me on in.  The love of the great outdoors that we share and would have explored in some of those places.  There is never a time or a moment that I don't look at you and find you sexy, get filled up with you, or get bored.  Every moment with you is new and I wake up more madly in love than the day before."

Wearing a shirt that my
daughter convinced me
to buy - out of my element!
Hair probably too long
for a 46 year old!

I'm still not sure how you are supposed to feel at 46.  I decide today, this my 46th birthday, that I feel vibrantly alive and thankful I got to start life all over again at 44 years of age.  I feel grateful, humbled, and excited for each day of a life that I always longed for to have come into being. 

If aging takes away things, it has more than compensated by giving me back ten-fold.  I resolve to fight "oldness" with all I have.  I will continue to run and do crunches until I take my last breath.  I will be the female counterpart to Jack LaLane I decide.  I will be a veggie eating, granolaish, adventuring, exercising old person.  Chicken skin and all!

I tell Doug, hand in hand last night on our walk, to please bury me in my t-shirt that says DON'T WASTE MY TIME, no bra and a shade of lipstick that looks good against pale-white dead skin.  He laughs and says that shirt appropriately represents all of who I am.

Bangs trying to cover a
hairline that starts near
the crown of my head!
I am a Leo in astrological signs, and born in the year of the horse in the Chinese zodiac.  They both claim me to be fiercely independent, driven by deep love, energetic and impatient.  My ruling planet is the sun and my element is fire.  Quite accurate those things are.  I cannot get enough of the sun, hate all things slow, love people powerfully, can do things by myself thank you!, and come through tough experiences refined and with grace.  I like the connotation of a lion, not a horse though:)

It feels good to be 46, to know who I am, to be free to be that person, to let regret go, to live in the present, to be loved in such a powerful way.  I vow to try to soak in and fully believe the words Doug speaks to me.  To let go of patterns of thought that cause me to doubt or not see myself that way.  

My daughters all texted me birthday wishes this morning.  So did both of my sisters, Big D, and even my ex-husband.  My mom called to wish me happy birthday and tell me when I was born.   Doug told me happy birthday at 12:01 a.m. today as he pulled me in close and then sang to me at 6:30 a.m. as he snuggled me tight this morning.  I went for a run, ate a no-bake cookie with a cup of coffee, looked in the mirror for a spell trying to remember that I would only be 46 once.  I thought about the freedom of a no-agenda day that stretched before me.  It was a perfect birthday. 


1 comment:

  1. Enjoy!!!...and seize EVERY moment of the day my friend:) Happy Birthday!