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10.31.2012

BARKING SPIDERS


It is said that we flatulate an average of 1 to 4 pints a day.  I don't even want to think about how some scientist in some lab measured human farts into pints for measuring and documentation purposes!  For the lay person, that breaks down to an average of 12-21 farts a day.  That spread of numbers is affected by different things we do, or don't do, eat or don't eat.  Some of those 12-21 farts are passed during our sleep. Sleep farts are a result of our muscles relaxing combined with the normal workings of our digestive track at night.

Without a doubt some folks are just gassier than others.  If you ever hear some boastful, full-of-themself person say either, 1) I don't fart or 2) I have never had a disagreement with my mate, don't believe them.  They would literally be full of shit!  Farting whether awake or asleep is just the natural reaction of swallowing air, having bacteria in our intestines, and processing decaying not fully digested food. 

My ex mother-in-law hated the word fart.  She felt it was too brash.  Instead she used the word "stinker".  I never heard her fart but one time when I think one just slipped out.  Quickly she said, excuse me.  Air biscuit, barking spiders, butt bomb, fanny bubbles, fluffies, rectal roar, fart, stinker, gas, flatulence, toots, breaking wind or cutting the cheese...call it what you will, we all do it.

The lady in the store aisle I walked into recently most definitely broke some wind.  I walked into a wall of stink - the kind of smell that you cannot mistake for anything but human gas.  There was no one else in that aisle so the culprit was easily caught - HER!  Now some modicum in a normal person would cause them to hurry from the aisle leaving the stink to be owned by someone else.  She did not.  In fact, as I stood down wind of her butt, she let loose of another fart.  It was silent, smelled horrific and caused me to wonder if possibly she may need to check her pants for some skid marks.

Standing behind this store aisle farting woman, I was half laughing and processing the fact that she had broken the store aisle fart rule - KEEP MOVING!  As I was processing this misdemeanor charge that I wanted to levy against her, the third wall of fart stench hit me.  I fled the aisle to catch a breath of fresh air as she continued to appear unfazed by her breach of store farting etiquette.  What in the world!!!

Now sometimes there are medical conditions that cause excessive gas.  She may have had one of those conditions.  I do know that she seem unfazed to be farting to that degree in front of others.  I wanted to both applaud her comfortableness and yet explain the rules of store farting.  Possibly she didn't know?  I thought the law of public farting was indelibly engrained into us without it even having to be taught!

Once, when taking my Grandma June home from a family gathering, she farted as she struggled out of the car and shuffled to the house.  She giggled softly and said, "Oops!"  My grandma passed gas a lot.  It must run in our family.  It has been passed down through the generations much like our high hairlines.

My middle sister didn't abide by the rules of store farting either when she was a kid.  In our small town in the 1960's and 1970's was a Dime Store, a variety store of sorts.  Once in the store with my sister, when I was 10 and she was 12, she farted very loudly.  It reverberated through the sparsely populated and quiet store.  We dissolved into hysterical and uncontrollable laughter causing us to flee.  She had another episode in our town's public library.  Different location, but same result.

Mike Myers character Austin Powers said it so succinctly.....

"Pardon me for being rude. It was not me. It was my food.
It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below."


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