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11.20.2012

THE HAIRY ARCHES





Maybelline Blond is my color.  Not for my hair color.  My hair is totally au-naturale'.  That color most closely matches the color of my own natural eyebrows.  I have to draw on a portion of both of my eyebrows.  I free-hand them. 

You might be thinking that possibly I had scorched off all my facial hair from too close of proximity to extreme heat; campfires, bonfires, a house fire, a welding flame, the trash burn barrel as a child, the space heater or open oven door (it's electric, calm down!) I huddle in front of every winter when cold chills me to the core.  Neither have I waxed to the extent of pulling all current and future hair follicles from my eyebrow area.  My lack of brow hair is beyond my control. 

It's probably just a genetic propensity.  I never really had to pluck my eyebrows a whole hell of a lot.  Age and disease have thinned them causing the middle to end point of both of them to all but disappear.  It seems eyebrow hair has reappeared though on my menopausal chin!  What a great picture you have of me right now - little to no eyebrows and a few random middle aged chin hairs.  Oh baby!   Pace yourself with my beauty.

I know a lady who stencils on her eyebrows.  They are not lightly filled in to give the appearance of greater fullness.  No, they are stenciled on like a capital A elementary school how to print alphabet letter lining the perimeter of a classroom.  I often wondered if she picked out the size and shape of the eyebrow stencil to her liking.  Or if, much like picking out a new pair of eyeglasses, someone said, "That size and shape look great on you!"  They don't look great or natural but literally verbally shout out at you when glancing at her, "I AM NOT REAL.  LOOK AT ME.  I AM NOT REAL!"

Some years back on an annual Thanksgiving weekend away shopping trip with my two sisters and mom we left the hotel early to begin a day of shopping.  The hotel room must have been dark.  Maybe we were still drugged from Turkey the day before.  Standing outside a store waiting for it to open I looked up at my mom, now outside in natural light.  I broke into hysterical laughter.  My sisters saw what I did at the same moment.  Our mom had drawn on her eyebrows mistakenly using her lip liner pencil.  There she stood, giddy with shopping excitement (politics and shopping elicit the same passion in my mom) totally oblivious to her precisely drawn on arched PINK eyebrows. 

I am a creature of habit.  If I do my morning routine of getting ready out of order I mess myself up.  Leaving the house one morning for work I glanced in my rear view mirror about 5 or 6 blocks from home.  I looked different.  What was it?  EYEBROWS!!!  I had only the few wispy pieces that I have naturally.  I slammed on the brakes and went home to make myself look like me.  Without them people might not recognize me. 

Just out of high school I went on a date with a guy that had a unibrow.  He was a nice guy from a nice family who went on to be highly successful in life.  I couldn't get past the eye brow thing.  I realize that was long before the metro style that some men adhere to currently.  He could have used a men's hygenic movement that would have shown him proper eyebrow manicuring.  Manicuring is too mild of a word for what needed to be done on Tom's eyebrows.  Hedge trimmers would have come in handy.

I've seen a few children that unfortunately, even at a very young age, need some separation of the brow work performed on them.  Conjoined twins have nothing on them!  Granted it might be hard to pluck a 7 year old's brows without some tears, but their fragile self-esteem is at risk without that intervention.  I vividly remember the first time I plucked my daughter's eyebrows.  I think she was in 6th grade.  There were a few tears and possibly a baggie of ice.  I've always held to the thought that, much like a band-aid being ripped off of hairy skin, fast is always best.

Beau Bridges and Andy Rooney both had overly unkempt eyebrows.  How their wives let them leave the house looking like that is troubling to me.  I think that same thing every time I stand and talk to my neighbor.  His eyebrows, nose hairs and ear hairs scream, I COULD USE A $9.99 WALGREEN TRIMMER

Eyebrows are either distracting or unnoticeable.   I once thought about having my eyebrows tattooed to fill them in.  I get sick of pencilling them in.  How would those tattooed eyebrows look when I am 70 years old and have silver hair?  Maybe by then I either won't care about my eyebrows or will become like my mom and use my pink lip liner pencil on them.

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