I had a great plan in my head for the upcoming days.  It would have put me squarely at the finish line on Christmas Day without being exhausted.  It would have gotten me through the murky waters of time vs tasks without stress.  It was paced, methodical, fool-proof even.

 My plan involved systematically doing "things" that needed to be done, preparations for the holidays.  Things like; getting Doug's staff of 27 Christmas gifts together, taking a holiday dress I wanted to wear to a party to my mom to have it cut off, cleaning the house top to bottom for all our kids and grand kids coming home for Christmas Day, making the food I could prepare early, having all ingredients needed for the meal bought, getting my boss and co-worker's gifts, cleaning off the pile of crap I need to go through off my desk at home, having all our kids gifts bought and wrapped, all the neighbor goodie trays made and delivered, a few of my close friends gifts completed, something figured out to get my dad, finishing painting the hallway the second coat of paint that has been waiting on me for the past year all while going to work during the day.  Simple, duh!

I didn't have a back up plan.  I had plenty of time, I thought anyway.  If there is a disorder that involves a task/time perception dysmorphia, I have it.  Clearly I live day to day thinking I can get an inordinate amount of crap crammed in, but in reality I get only a small portion of it.  A harder, stay to the task, head the grindstone driven person you won't meet much past me.  I though have come to the conclusion I am far too unrealistic.  My relentless in all things ways collide from time to time with the natural boundaries of reality.  This again was case in point.

At this particular juncture in the journey to Christmas I am re-thinking my probably unrealistic task to time ratio.  My house is askew.  Even though I am mostly neat, I can easily morph back to my messy strewnish childhood ways.  My two sisters swore they would never come visit my house when I grew up based upon how messy I kept my stuff as a kid.  They didn't hold to their word and I found order and cleanliness as I entered adult life - most of the time any way.

Still though I can freely be non-neat at times.  Presently at the end of our bed I have two days worth of work clothes hanging off the foot board.  It's a temporary closet/hamper.  They really haven't bothered me when I crawl into bed at night.   I pulled open the kitchen towel drawer tonight only to realize every last towel I have is dirty.  That is a clear indicator that I am probably needing to wash the heaping basket of towels.  How that got away from me I do not know. The bathroom floor is so dirty that I don't want to go in there barefoot.  Thank God for slippers:)

It's almost 10 p.m.  I'm tired, hitting a wall, realizing clearly that my journey toward Christmas is not going to be fulfilled in any way shape or form.  I have abandoned all hope and am now lowering my sights to where they are practical, reasonable, attainable and keeping with what this season is really about. 

I have shopping still to do, but may just put cash in an envelope instead.  I'm not sure I can bear another trip to a store, the anguish of trying to figure out what is someone's exact likes or needs.  The best thing I can do for them and myself is just to stop the rush to Christmas and enjoy these days.  To not end them in exhaustion or obligation or gift buying pressure. 

I didn't get to run tonight.  There just wasn't time in the mix of frenetic activity, all Christmas related I might add.  That is not how I like to live.  Life just feels fast right now.  I am frantically trying to hold on to this time before it isn't any more.  My messiness of late is related as well to being more focused mentally on my daughter and her husband in these few weeks before they leave for Africa for the first leg in a year commitment to mission work in Guinea.  I am distracted with thoughts and emotions.  They are definitely the full reason I haven't cleaned:)

Tonight I said "uncle" to rushing any more for the next 2 weeks.  What gets done gets done.  What gets cleaned gets cleaned.  If we don't have every last item done for Christmas, all the food that I think needs to be prepared made or all the dust wiped away from the furniture, I just don't care from this point forward. 

If Jesus can be born in a cave, a stable, a place where animals were kept out of the elements, then I can live without cleaning, cooking and present buying perfection.  I can't fully enjoy the now when all I am consumed with is what's next, what needs to be done to get to that next thing I need to do.  . 

Next year I will not wait until a few days before Christmas to stop the madness.  My Plan A & B next year just might be Christmas in the Bahamas.

1 comment:

  1. I second that plan!!! I'll even be your chauffeur:)