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2.07.2013

A LOOK IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR


If you've been a reader of this blog, you know that I'm not a huge lover of facebook.  In fact, sometimes I get thoroughly disgusted and even ragey at the frequency and content of certain people's posts. 

It appears some use facebook as a therapy session.  Please don't!  Or they just constantly re-post cutesy crap pulled off the Internet thus declaring to the audience, "I've got nothing original in my head"!  Then there are those that push a political view constantly, animal rights, gun control (for or against!), or invite you to participate in a game.  I've got life to live and don't want to play games!!  And, if I do, it will be with the grand kids around the dining room table. 

I've taken a break from  facebook for stretches. The last one lasting about a year. I highly recommend that detox program for everyone!  I thoroughly enjoy living presently in the life I have and don't need an online life.  Remember when there was no online life but only real life!!  Those were the days:)

The part of it I do like is connecting with people from your past - reminiscing over things shared and catching up where we all are now.  I've enjoyed seeing people I went to school with or haven't seen in years and years.  Once in awhile someone will post a school class picture, a sports picture or make a comment reminding a group of an event that was funny.  I get a big chuckle over those fond memory sorts of things.  I love seeing people's families as well. 

Perusing high school yearbooks with my eldest sister Superbowl night, I found myself laughing and remembering.  At almost 30 years post high school it was interesting to  realize that the pictures I was viewing, of kids 14-18 years old, were now my age.  Some had actually passed away from illness.  Others, like me in their middle years, have had some chronic illnesses.  You never think those things when you are in the school play or running hurdles in track - that health and youth will vanish. 

Looking at pictures of people that were a big part of my life for that season, people I loved and other kids that I really didn't know all that well, made me think about who I was then.  Seeing pictures of myself as a 14-year old 9th grader made feelings rush through me again.  Looking at photos of an 11th grade version of Nancy caused me to shake my head and smile at the territory covered since that picture - at the difference in the person I am compared to that insecure, awkward, not fully sure of herself girl.  I was a definite late bloomer!!!!!!!!

I wondered why I didn't pursue relationships with certain people back then?  Why had I not gotten more involved with a broader base of people?  I wondered if I had been kind enough to other kids as I should have been or would be now?  I remembered wondering why a certain boy I loved deeply chose another when I saw his high school picture.  I thought about how that broke my heart and kept me from being fully present for the remainder of my high school years and beyond.  I was not experienced enough in life to fully know how to handle that or process it at that age. 

I had probably boxed people in with a certain brush stroke and they had probably done the same to me.  I remembered many times feeling like I was looking through a glass at others but not really feeling like I was like them in many ways.  I wondered if others had felt the same way or if I was just a strange kid!! (no comment from the peanut gallery please)

There was part of me that wished I could do it again and be fully free to be ok with who I was.  I wished I would have taken it all in more deeply. Then I laughed.  That is human nature.  We can only absorb so much at any given time.  The rest is left unsoaked in until we are miles past it.
Clarity comes in the rear view mirror.
 
I giggled as I looked at 4 years of me wearing braces and goofy clothes and ridiculously stupid hairstyles. I never really remember feeling stylish, beautiful or with it.   My eyes stopped over a handful of people who I had rich and deep relationships with.  Some of which I had peed my pants in laughter with, skinny-dipped or did various other things that I can't freely share:)

Mostly I wondered where in the world all the years have gone and what I ever did with that pair of cowboy boots I had my senior year in high school.  I loved those boots!!

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