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5.29.2014

THAT UNDETERMINED PLACE OF LOST


I have pondered as of late why we must lose things from time to time.  There really is a plethora of things we lose in our lifetimes.  Though lose and loss are similar, one is a verb more or less, and one is a noun of sorts.

In the bottom of my Baggallini black purse, usually slung across my junior high school sized chest for ease of arms free carrying, lies a black hole.  I lose my keys in it constantly.  I have two sets of keys; a small 4 keyed ring with building/loft keys on it so when I run or walk I have a way back in, and another set with a key fab for my car, a jeep key, my office keys, and two rewards cards that irritate the snot out of me.  They fall to the bottom constantly and I have moments where I think they are lost.  It's just temporary though.  If I dig long enough through the chaos within, I can find them.

I lost my wedding ring for an entire year.  It, slightly too loose for my finger, fell off somewhere.  Where, I did not know, or I would have recovered it - rescued it from its lost state.  Lost really means - not able to be found again.  Usually, that is. 

For one year it remained continuously lost.  At some point I didn't think any more about ever finding it because I knew the chances were nill to zilch, so I was forced to move on.  I couldn't change its lostness or retrace where it may have gotten lost at.  At first it was with sadness that my lost something of value created a loss for what it represented to me.  My husband quickly got me another ring to takes its place.  It was not my first ring though. It was different, had a different significance, and filled a double venue; the original meaning of love between he and I AND, a new ring design not meant to be the exact same of that which was gone - it was replacing lost and binding the loss.

One year later, 4 seasons separating the lost ring, it appeared in our landscaping rocks. By then I had a new ring that had taken its place.  I couldn't remove the current one and wear just the original one because now they both had significance.  One was not better than the other.  They were different in size, shape, and came at differing seasons in my life.  So, I now wear two on the same finger with my two wedding bands soldered to each diamond ring.

I am finding my way with lost things again....... separation from things that make my heart sing.  I have been an empty nester for some years now.  It's not new territory for me at all.  But, kids and grand kids have their own lives to live.  I feel lost to know how to connect to them, at times even how to let them go - how to find a balance between living my own life fully and wanting to give them all something lasting that close proximity offers.  

I know that lost things are not always found.  Sometimes, something new and altered will be garnered by losing something.  My head knows that.  My heart doesn't always. 

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