I wondered lots of things as my feet struck the pavement at a much slower running pace than my mind was moving.  I laughed momentarily that if I could run the speed in which I gulped down life and thought, I'd break the 4 minute mile!  That just wasn't happening as I rounded the corner to 48 years of age in just a couple of days.
Sitting at my desk writing I felt an ouchie spot that seemed to want to pulsate just below my right shoulder blade.  It was the result of painting some 20 hours over the weekend.  I had finished up last night, and though loving the final outcome, I didn't love how it tweaked every muscle in my body.  Shot was the perfect word.  I was just shot.  Toast.  Wasted.  Pure adrenaline, that can usually fuel me where literal energy falls short, had finally run out as well. 
I told my friend Big D today that I had a dialogue with myself while out running.  What was my problem really?  Too many moves, too many changes, too many starts, too fast a pace? Maybe all those things.  What was the root of it all though - this thing that whips my ass constantly and causes me to not let loose of pursuing 100% of everything in all directions at all times? What in the hell was wrong with me?  Why did I push and shove and sprint and tackle every moment of every day?
Peeling back bark reveals a sub life.  There are small bugs, beads of moisture, a different textured surface.  It was the same way with me as well.  Peeling back the results to find the reasons for those results was what I was after.  Then, I needed to change my reasoning.
There was a myriad of reasons why I operated that way.  Some were based on pure genetic wiring, personality bent, etc.  Others were situational, dependent upon how thick and intense the circumstances were I found myself in.  Yet no doubt a few were the result of fear and/or control.
Logically you and I both know that to do anything that requires 100% means other things that also require 100% suffer. Juggling cannot be performed perfectly without a drop from time to time.  We are human with marked and metered time, energy and focus.  Yet, we live in a world that creates and screams for more.  How easily I morph into the distorted system of thinking that I can add one more 100% demanding thing to a plate of already full other 100% demanding things.  I know that to work full time in a way that catapults things forward in a "successful" way requires 100% which can leave little other percentages left for other things.  It seemed I simply refused to adhere to that.  Pure stubborn arrogant refusal.
That didn't seem to register to me though.  That was THE main reason for my results - being toasted, shot and wasted.  I was not willing to get off the crazy wheel of 100% in all areas.  Though humanly impossible, I had thought myself invincible to those constraints and conversely fearful to repeat a time in my life where I could literally do nothing due to illness.  Not until my adrenaline had finally been liquidated, and I found myself no longer insulated by adrenaline's procrastinational reality phenom, did I even want to see underneath the bark.
The reason was me.  It was my wrong belief system of the time and energy principle.  No matter who you are and how you are wired, there is only so much of it.  I wasn't good at sipping anything.  Nor was I good at pacing.
Once, when in high school on a trip to Florida, I got sunburned so severely, with pain so intense, I just wanted to lie on a cool clean white sheeted hospital bed in a darkened room.   My running at this crazy pace, exhausting all reserves of adrenaline, had left me feeling the same way.  Withdrawing is a survival mechanism  - turning off the music, unplugging, digging beneath the bark to reorder.  To run at this pace was arrogant of me - presuming that there is always a tomorrow.  That was not true, not reality, and not a right perspective.
I was heading to 48 years of age still re-learning that principle.  You'd think I would have figured it out the other 40,000 times I had found myself here.  I was fast in all areas except this one - learning this principle! Would I make it truly different this time?  Did I have the courage to make those changes and undo patterns?  Or would I succumb to a quick but not long enough bit of "rest" with a re-emergence to the fast lane and the lure of the adrenaline drug like junkie lifestyle once again? 


1 comment:

  1. Love you Nanc and love how you're wired! Come join me in the slower lane😉