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9.17.2014

QUIET IS WHEN I CAN REALLY HEAR

I need more time to think.  Though I think deep a great deal of the time, and pretty much never turn my mind off, that's not exactly the kind of thinking I need more of.  That kind of thinking can be done during things and fit in around things. It's a night light that's always on in me.

What I really need, and seem to run short of, are stretches of alone, uninterrupted time which are necessary to shake my mental screen blank and let it refill with ideas, creativity or inspiration. Those regular blocks of quiet to create, mull, and ultimately get inspired are like internal sun to me. They prime my pump.  And unfortunately, they just aren't there like they used to be.  That frustrates me.  I've yet to figure out how to get back to those periods that gave me space to create.

There is no other way for words to come than for me to be still.  Without pools of quiet time to think and write, the thoughts don't flow, the ideas feel forced and rushed.  I cannot release all those swirling thoughts without quiet.  Quiet is when I can really really hear.  I miss hearing like that.

It is paramount to getting started painting a room when you really only have an hour to get it done. Not allotting enough time or doing the prep work will cause the room to not get painted in its entirety or with any level of quality.  Those regular spaces of quiet, alone and unhurriedness are like seed and fertilizer on bare ground.  That is where I find my thoughts, my words, my next 1000 words to write.

I need a sabbatical.  A friend of mine has her doctorate in Italian studies language something or other. It's above my IQ line definitely. How she can even connect to me is still a mystery!  I'm not a very buttoned up person.  She is.   She is also a tenured professor who is currently on a year sabbatical.  Now mind you she is not doing nothing and merely lazing around.  She is taking time to write pieces for publication and give lectures at all sorts of universities and venues.  I want to do that too, though not the lecture part, or Italian part.  Ok, maybe stand up comedy I would like to do.   But, I would like the designated time to pursue interests that get crowded out by our "jobs" and regular life.
 
Unless I take FMLA (family medical leave act) for a real medical reason, there is no sabbaticals in my line of work. And, I don't want any more MEDICAL anything!! We all need quiet time, time to pursue with a present mind things that are not "our regular work routine".  Why should ministry, education, and research fields be some of the few with that luxury and sabbatical norm? 

I understand reclusive people.  Probably I could be one if not forced to interact from time to time.  Most would probably see me as a total extrovert because I am anything BUT shy.  I can be real, to the point, assertive and take charge.  I truly have a love of people.  But in all reality, I desperately need and prefer quiet and some solitude.  That is where my engine can hum, my mind can explore and I can create.  My reclusive tendencies are why I don't have a desire to go to dinner with colleagues that I'm not close with.  I don't want to waste any quiet time with people I don't have a deep relationship with!  Just ask my dear friend Big D, I will say no to going and doing things as quickly and easily as you just took a breath and blinked.

It has taken me hours of fragmented time just to pull my thoughts into this post.  That is my case in point.  Who do I submit my sabbatical request papers to?

4 comments:

  1. This is my new favorite piece to date. Todd

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  2. "My reclusive tendencies are why I don't have a desire to go to dinner with colleagues that I'm not close with."

    This statement makes me realize I'm more like you than I know! :)

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