an excerpt from Ditching Dogma and Getting to Graceland [Setting My Crazy Loose]
.....I thought long and hard about those things that none of us speak of.  Things we keep locked up deep inside our hearts and shove to the far recessed corners of our mind. I wondered if others had such crevices, caves or deep channels that led to their own locked chambers. 
My tunnels were polished smooth from the many years of travels there.  I knew right where my coffee can was buried with my hidden treasure inside.  And, like Gollum [Sméagol] from "Lord of the Rings", I both loved it with a consuming fire and hated what it had done to me.  The ecstasy could be dizzying and other times, the devastation threatened to overtake me.
The Mark Twain quote before me pulled back its arrow and hit my secret place dead on....Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.  I hated Twain's wisdom.  I hated my inability to demand all or nothing.  For allowing myself to be second string rather than first.  I hated that I had chosen to just keep waiting.  I pretty much hated that though I knew something in my head, I could not seemingly will my heart to follow.
I spent my whole life outrunning a broken heart.  It can break a person you know.  I decided years and years ago that I would keep running so it would not break me.  Maybe I was like Forrest Gump in the scene where he just starts running and doesn't stop until one day he just does.  Sometimes when our insides are breaking we create a frenetic disciplined way of life to combat the chaos we really feel.  We order everything around us except the one thing we cannot. Quite possibly that was me.
I hated that I felt, that I didn't get to feel, that I felt too much, that I wanted to stop feeling. 
I'm thinking we are not made to carry those kinds of secrets.  To live with those types of unresolved passions.  To try to outrun heartache. 
I pushed him once again from my mind - like performing surgery on my soul.  It's hard to omit something that is just a part of you.  I tried once again to relegate him to his hidden allotted space just to save myself.  This time I would make him stay there.  This time I would run harder and faster.  This time I would not travel the deep passages. 
Who was I kidding.  Despite my resolve, even as I declared it in my head, I would travel back.  I was an addict.  It wasn't to alcohol or drugs or pornography.  It wasn't to sugar, chocolate, cigarettes, over eating.  . . . . . . . . . .  One day it would be different.  Somehow.

1 comment:

  1. Holy cow what deep post. Thanks. You show me that there are others out their who can reveal, among the masses who cannot. Your post, in my opinion, describes someone who would not allow herself to flip a switch in order to cope. You stayed awake instead of going to sleep. It takes courage to do those things. I commend you. Todd