My middle sister texted me, "To quote our Grandma Weldy, I feel punk today!"  I laughed at her descriptive phrase that drew a wide berth around all things just not right, out of sorts, somewhat grouchy and yet all of it mixed together to make a slightly indescribable and unpinnable on just one thing punk stew.  I laughed too at hearing my now absent from the earth grandmother's voice say that phrase from time to time.

I gave my sister permission to just feel it and be it.  There was no hurrying that opaque feeling out of the way.  It would run its course, I assured her, like a foggy morning, with possibly the help of a bowl of popcorn, some dark chocolate and a funny movie.  Humor helps, even if only temporarily giving us a hiatus from what is plaguing us.

Punk has several definitions; 1) a form of rock music, 2) a sub culture of the punk rock music movement, 3) a worthless person, 4) in poor or bad condition.  My grandmother used an obscure word and its meaning - hip indeed gram!

I too had hit punk a few days back. It was last Friday that my tolerance for a couple of big dislikes was at a personal all time low. A combination of emotions had collided, and though they were all jockeying for first place, it would have been declared a three way tie.  If anger, frustration, and unfulfillment were three separate jelly belly flavors, then having them all at the same time created a unique flavor called frangerment - the raging waters of frustration, anger and unfulfillment.

What I needed was an escape, a retreat, a respite, some alone time, a big dose of quiet, distance between one of my big dislikes and me, and a way to get some tolerance back before having to go back to the battlefront.  I feared I would snap, have a public melt down.  Deep down I wanted to scream, lay on the floor and kick my feet.  I wanted to flail my arms and say overly simplified and not fully true (just for the moment) things like; I hate you, you drive me nuts, that behavior is so selfish and rude, do you ever think about anyone but yourself....  My list of barbs went on and on and on.  The alternate ending to my present life movie was to say my mind, rip them to literal shreds, and then miraculously have possession of a winning Powerball lottery ticket.

Since winning the lottery odds are like 1 in 1,000,000 [and I did not win off my recent ticket purchase], I would be forced to face that person again if I unleashed my full arsenal.  I begrudgingly put my assault rifle back in its locked cabinet.  I also had to figure out a way to put all those emotions back in their box.

As I worked at putting them back in a box over the weekend, I held each of them in my hands trying to determine what real validity there was to how I felt.  What portion of what I felt was driven by reactionary feelings, deep beliefs that I carry, being in a place of unfulfillment, and just not being 100% physically? Were they contributors or causes?  Did I create any of it?  What were my tangible [not just mind/thought pattern changes] choices or decisions I needed to make?  If there was risk involved, was it worth it?  Did I believe a change couldn't be WORSE than what I held before me? 

That last statement, did I believe a change couldn't be WORSE than what I held presently was THE show stopper.  It was at the core of the old game show, "Let's Make A Deal".  After the contestant had won a prize, he/she had the option to let loose of what they knew they had for the gamble that what was behind another closed curtain was better still than the know they had before them. 

That's the fish hook for me I thought.  I feared that somehow if I listened to my heart and made decisions to exit a present situation it would end up worse than the worse I had presently.  Fear is always  a bit irrational, isn't it.

I thought about another time in my life where, when I believed there could be nothing worse behind curtain number 1, 2, or 3, I let loose of what I held.  It was THE best decision I had ever made in my life and still continues to be.  After listening to my heart, I took that leap, that risk to change something - to leave unfulfillment.  Why did I doubt this would be different?  I knew what decision needed to be made, I just needed to make it.  I knew the waters I swam best in, and I needed to get to them again.  We are created to be creatures of choice. 

I pick curtain number 3.

No comments:

Post a Comment