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3.05.2021

Where more and less lies

I needed to know stuff.  Lots of stuff.

That desire had been there since my earliest memories as a kid.  Really it was far more than a need, it was a force that pushed, at times even tormented me.  I needed to know if all the anythings one could think of could be done, how to do them and the why behind them all. I needed to know why I thought the way I did and if others thought that way too.  I wanted to know if there was a better way of being, thinking or living.  My entire life quest to know had exploded into finding how to better connect my head and heart, how to find my core, how to create minimalism in my belief system and have more by having less.  Why did I want deeper inside so fiercely?  I felt as though there was more and better within me and outside of me.

Often I think I should have been in the CIA or a forensic scientist. I love to find the hidden things and invisible in the visible, garner information by observation or questions without anyone knowing they are giving up the obscure. It's the story that is camouflaged in us all I want to find - giving a voice to silent, unspeakable things. Discovery and acknowledgement of those things in all of us disarms them, takes away the isolation, shame, guilt, or pride that can keep us from being totally immersed in being loved by God, others and fully loving ourselves. 

Beliefs drive thoughts and thoughts drive emotions.  The world of psychology, the camp of religion and faith and the growing emerging large movement of mystic gurus concur on that statement. All camps teachings focus on that core though they use different terminology and methods.That's where I was headed, to unravel that statement.

She said it over and over again, "Type A people seem to show more signs of the effects of stress in their bodies than other personalty types."  It barreled through the phone directly to my brain. I fell quite clearly into that category.  My mind could still see Mrs. Holloway, my kindergarten teacher, and her beautiful handwriting on my report card - She is bossy.  My dear Aunt used to tell me I was assertive not bossy.  I didn't see bossy, but fast thoughtedness - if that was a real word. I’ve come to know others interpret my Enneagram 8 way different than I exert it!

Either way, I didn't want to approach my quest to unpack beliefs drive thoughts and thoughts drive emotions with my Type A personality.  Pretty sure I was that's how I ended up here to begin with. I didn't want to categorize it, concise it up, totally define it.  I wanted to unveil the spiritual connect to the hard wire in our brains and hearts.  What was I missing, lacking, craving to both know and experience.

The podcasts on my devices clearly showed the force that was moving in me.  The books that filled the basket by my favorite chair held an audience of thoughts from Neuroscience from a Christian perspective to some pretty mystic authors.  How was this mind and heart that was created by God to be used, or maybe emptied?

Years ago someone said to me, after being in my home, "You are a minimalist.  Clear, clean open spaces."  That rattled around in my head as I evaluated why that style especially resonated with me.  I really wanted my insides to reflect that as well.  Control and drive had served me for many years, a necessity in a former life I lived.  But I needed to let loose of it, of tasks, of pushing and pulling, doing and defining - to connect my head and heart. Even as I wrote, the idea of re-mantling myself seemed big and elusive. 

I listened to podcasts and read books by experts in their fields on neuroscience, retraining your brain, how to connect your head and heart, getting to a higher spiritual level of being, being fully present, centering yourself, a few highly strange ones included. There was a theme inside of all their jargon, their dialects of mantra delivery.  Call it a light within, a bigger presence than yourself, universe love, whatever they wanted to call it, was really God Himself. They had used the basic tenets of Christianity and the Bible without using it directly. I found both humor and comfort in that.  

The Apostle Paul in the Bible confronted the mystics of his day when they went to Ephesus and explained to them all the unnamed gods they worshiped really only had one name, GOD.  In seeking all those gods, they were trying to reach a greater purpose outside of themselves.  That is the universal quest we all embark on.  The things they were worshiping, wanting greater purpose outside of themselves, were really all able to be met in God. 

I was fascinated by Neuroscience. Neuroscience is the study of how the nervous system develops, its structure, what it does, the brain and its impact on behavior and cognitive functions. It is a burgeoning field in our current culture. How did our brains really work and how did they really work in design by God?  More importantly, how can they be opened up to see, experience and feel God more? How does that connect to me being more free to connect to my Creator, God's love, power and miracles? I wanted to know, learn, unlearn, and disorder things to be more of the spiritual being I was created to be.  I wanted to see and unleash the true connection of the design of my brain and heart to access more of God.  If God created this heart and brain - making us both a physical/present being and a spiritual being, what majesty of spirit and power was I not utilizing?

The chewy center of the Tootsie pop was what I was after.  Not crunching my way to it, but rather slowly licking away the layers of the hard shell. I didn't want to orchestrate it or control it, or even just gain knowledge.  I was choosing to experience it differently this time.  I didn't need to name it; the great awakening, the highest chakra level, a vibrational tenor level achieved. That's what I didn't want, a definitive that could be held in my hand.

Less is always more I feel.  Less furnishings highlight space and design.  Less makeup lets you see natural real beauty.  Less food in a restaurant usually means it's a bit higher quality.  Less belongings give us a simpler life.  Less stress leaves us more relaxed and refreshed.  Somewhere in all of this I wanted to believe that even in this world of psycho mumbo jumbo, less is where the treasure might be.

I reflected on the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament.  Over and over again He taught peace, contentment, stillness, faith, hope, grace.  They each seemed very big and, very small at the same time. I reckoned them to be a funnel of sorts - a passage to something that can't be held in just the word.

I was uncovering that my broken human vessel was holding a greater treasure than I could fathom.

2 comments:

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